The Incidents: Naruto and Sasuke's Strange Relationship Milestones
by Uzamaki Sasuke
Summary: Naruto and Sasuke have always been... strange enough. Here's a testament to their ever-budding relationship. INCLUDES THE "DADDY INCIDENT" NARUSASU TEACHER/TEACHER AU ORIGINALLY POSTED TO AO3 and TUMBLR. COMPLETE
1. The Daddy Incident

**A/n:** The reason why there's a huge difference between the writing styles of "We Don't Talk About Applebees", "Do What Now?" and my others is because all of my others were written for Tumblr! So they're actually in text post format, and I have trouble transferring that style to my actual, full length writing style.

This is another one written in that text post style, as it was originally posted in 5 parts on Tumblr.

 **TITLE CHANGE BECAUSE THIS IS A SERIES AND FROWNS UPON POSTING MULTIPART SERIES. SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION**

This is an awkward read, enjoy!

* * *

Sasuke is the really mean English teacher. He seems almost robotic and his unwavering eyes stare into your soul when you speak to him to the point that students just kind of slink away mid-subject.

Naruto is the very nice Calculus teacher. Everybody loves him. He's as bright as day and his smile can warm the coldest of hearts.

Sasuke hates him (or so the students like to believe).

One day the students bring Naruto up in Sasuke's class. Sasuke gets a little annoyed.

"Mr. Uzumaki let us get an extension on our homework because of the blackout. Maybe you should postpone tomorrow's test." A student, who clearly did not study for their test, complains.

"I do _not_ care what daddy said, I-"

The room falls silent.

"I did not just say that." Comes out as more of a "the kettle is ready" squeak than Mr. Uchiha's normal, even toned voice.

Of course, the class erupts into laughter as Sasuke covers his reddening face with his hands.

"I'm sorry Mr. Uchiha, I didn't realize Mr. Uzumaki was your _father_." A student teased.

A disgruntled sob of humiliation comes out of Sasuke as he walks to the corner of his room and hits his head on the wall.

The kids are laughing, it's all over Snapchat, and Sasuke's life is over.

* * *

As soon as the bell rings, Sasuke rushes to Naruto's class to do preventative damage control. He quickly explains that the students are starting a stupid rumor which is "totally untrue" and that he should "most definitely ignore it". Naruto raises an eyebrow. This is going to be interesting.

A student comes in right as Sasuke finishes his long winded but very rapid paced speech.

"He called you daddy during class." The student says nonchalantly.

Now, Sasuke can be very good at denying something and making it believable, and he tried to conjure up that ability now… but it manifests itself into another drawn out "the kettle is ready" squeak as his face turns red.

"D-daddy?" Naruto is barely holding it together at this point, "I wasn't aware I had a son."

Another sob of humiliation comes out of Sasuke.

"Shut up!" Sasuke whines.

"Don't you think you should save it for the bedroom, baby girl?"

"NARUTO!"

"That's daddy to you."

All Sasuke's awaiting class sees is Sasuke come in, face red, still doing his "kettle" whine, walking straight to the corner in his room as he tries not to cry. The students are confused and slightly concerned.

"I hate him so much." Sasuke sobs out in another pathetic high-pitched whine.

This is awful, but hey, he's all over Snapchat again.

* * *

Finally, with time between the present and the… _unfortunate_ past, Sasuke feels a lot more relaxed due to the delusion that everyone had forgotten the "daddy incident".

Delusion.

Sasuke is in the middle of a lecture when some giggles were heard. He groans inwardly and turns to see what the students are up to.

"Really? You're passing _notes_? In my class, much less the year 2018?" Sasuke approaches them.

"This is something that is noteworthy, Mr. Uchiha, please understand." Something about the way the student says this sets warning bells off in his head.

Unfortunately, he elects to ignore them.

He grabs the paper away, scolding them for not paying attention until his voice catches in his throat upon seeing the note for the first time.

On the paper was a picture of Sasuke, planted firmly in Naruto's lap, engaged in a very heated kiss with the other teacher. On the top it said, "kiss me harder, daddy".

Sasuke stares blankly at it for a while. The students are giggling again. The giggles turn to full blown laughter when Sasuke's face morphs into a look of pure disbelief.

"I don't know what upsets me more, the subject matter, or the fact that you took so much effort to draw this _what the hell this is really good_." Sasuke waves the picture in the air a bit, "Why are you wasting your talent on… on _this_?"

"What else to spend my time drawing?" A student in the back asks nonchalantly. Sasuke points at him.

"You." He says sternly.

"Yes, it is I, who else?"

"Why would you do this?" Sasuke jabs a finger at the picture.

"Why not? Consider it a gift - free fanart of daddy and baby girl."

Sasuke's face displays a very impressive amount of anger, but the reddening of his face and ears chip away at the effect.

"I do not like you." Sasuke turns away again.

"Not like you ever did," the student replies, "but it's not like you're totally taking that to your desk right now or something."

Sasuke whips around. "I am not!"

Class continues after. Sasuke feels like sinking into a hole - it wasn't _his_ fault he said it after all.

He does keep the picture, though.

But _only_ to show Naruto what he must put up with in his class – or so he keeps telling himself.

* * *

When Naruto sees it, he bursts out laughing.

"Oh my god, Sas, this is great."

"It is _not_ great! And it's _not_ mine! I confiscated it from a student! A _student!_ They were passing it around like a note!" Sasuke voice started going towards that "kettle" hysterics pitch again.

"I thought you were going to say they were passing it around like a joint for a second." Naruto said.

"NARUTO! There are STUDENTS in here!" Sasuke almost yelled.

"I noticed."

" _You no_ \- you noticed?" The last part came out in disbelief. "You noticed? And yet you're not concerned?"

"About what?" Naruto asked, taking the drawing away.

"About what. About what, he says," judging by his tone, Naruto dictates that Sasuke is completely done at this point. "About this whole "daddy" thing? You're not going to put a stop to this?"

"Why would I? You're the one that said it."

"It was a simple slip of the tongue–"

"How did your tongue slip from 'Naruto' or 'Mr. Uzumaki' to ' _daddy_ '?" Naruto teased.

Sasuke gets really close to Naruto, trying his best to give off an intimidating aura.

"I hope you can see the murderous intent in my eyes, Uzumaki, because mark my words, it's about to not be just intent." Sasuke growls out.

"Okie dokie." Naruto says happily, turning away from the fuming man.

"Oki- what the hell? What the hell is _wrong_ with you?" Sasuke says.

Naruto laughs, "You are so short."

Sasuke's glare intensifies.

"I can take a man down."

"I don't doubt that." Naruto replies, "Don't you have a class this period?"

"No, it's 5th period, which is my _off_ period. Why are you being so _mean?"_ Sasuke whines the last part out.

"You're the one who got yourself into the mess, Sasuke, I had nothing to do with it."

"You had _everything_ to do with it." Sasuke hisses.

"Um, we're not even sleeping together, much less _dating._ I have no idea why you referred to me as 'daddy' in the first place."

Sasuke just about dies right where he is standing. That is one detail he overlooked.

Sasuke snatches the drawing off Naruto's desk.

"I despise you, Uzumaki." Sasuke made his way to the door.

"It's daddy to you."

"FUCK OFF!"

* * *

 **A/N:** That's all folks. Goodbye.


	2. The Silverware on Craigslist Incident

**A/N:** This is actually a series, but I totally forgot won't let that, so they're going to blurb into one piece. Sorry if the title change confused you at all.

* * *

Sasuke has lost everyone in his past. His mother and father passed in a car accident when he was very young, and his brother passed away from pneumonia, because he just wouldn't go to the doctor. So now, not only is Sasuke scared of doctors – which seems counterintuitive – he also has this nagging fear that anyone who has meant anything to him is going to spontaneously disappear. He knows it's kind of stupid, but he can't help it.

And Naruto isn't helping either.

"Hey, Sasuke," Naruto approaches Sasuke in his classroom, "I'm uh… I'm going to visit my father." Sasuke nods. "Up north." Sasuke nods. "For a week."

Sasuke looks at him.

"Wait, what?"

"I know you have pr-"

"You can't leave for a week, Naruto."

"Sasuke," Naruto says calmly, "it's okay, I'm coming back."

"Well, how do I know that?" Sasuke's voice is going dangerously close to the "kettle is ready" pitch again, "How do I know you're not going to just, I dunno, move there?"

"I know you have problems with this, Sasuke –"

"Of course I have problems with this! What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me!"

"Then don't go." Sasuke crosses his arms.

"What can I do to make things easier for you."

Sasuke thinks for a moment. Students are beginning to come into his classroom.

"I… want you to…" Sasuke's obviously coming up with this off the top of his head, "give me the key to you house… and let me stay. And…" Sasuke lights up suddenly, "let me sell all of your silverware on Craigslist."

Naruto pauses.

"What?"

The students look at each other. They whisper, asking what they just got into.

"Come on, you'll get ten per cent!"

"Why would – I bought that silverware!" Naruto cannot believe what he's hearing.

"Yeah, well, I'm selling it, so…" Sasuke trails off, looking at Naruto expectantly.

"Look, no, Sas, no. I'm not giving you the key to my house, so you can sell my silverware on Craigslist. I need that silverware. For eating." Naruto tries to reason.

"People used to eat without silverware, you know."

"Look, no selling my silverware, end of discussion. You're not getting my key, either, since now I can't trust you."

Sasuke pouts.

"You can't stop me." He declares.

"Excuse me?"

"You can't stop me. I'll break into your house and I'll take them and sell them."

"You can't just break-"

"The only way you can stop me is if you guard your silverware."

Naruto sighs. That's where he was heading with this.

"I'm sorry, Sas, no can do. I gotta leave."

Sasuke whines.

"No, you don't!"

The students get it at this part. Sasuke's crush became evident with the "Daddy Incident", but it's really starting to show much more.

"I'm going, and I'm leaving on Friday." Naruto explained _calmly._ Calm, calm, that's what he needed right now.

"But – but today's Wednesday. That's too short notice –"

"I'm sorry, Sasuke! But look, I have a surprise for you on Friday, before I leave. Okay?"

Sasuke considers this for a moment.

"Okay."

* * *

Despite saying okay, Sasuke is _not_ okay with this. He is anything _but_ okay. He keeps telling himself that it isn't that big a deal, Naruto's coming back, stop being a stupid gay bitch. He can't help it, though. What if Naruto moves there? What if Naruto leaves forever?

One would think that this would lead Sasuke to spend more time with the Calculus teacher before he left, just in case he did not come back. Unfortunately, Sasuke may be a love-sick puppy, but he can also hold a grudge.

Sasuke avoids Naruto very actively for the next few days. Naruto is slightly annoyed, but figures that this is how Sasuke deals with things, so let him do it. He hates that he feels bad, because he shouldn't have to, but Sasuke is his best friend and he really hates making him sad. Angry is funny, sad is gut wrenchingly horrible and he prefers not to do it.

* * *

When Friday rolls around, Sasuke comes into Naruto's classroom. Naruto had decided to attend school that day, since his flight isn't until much later, and he needs to do some preventative damage control.

"Hey, Sas, welcome!" Naruto says.

"You said you have a surprise for me." Sasuke says stubbornly. Naruto laughs a bit.

"Here ya go." He tosses something Sasuke's way. "We can stay in all weekend and watch stupid movies when I get back. I'll even order a pizza."

Sasuke inspects the surprise.

It's… a stuffed cat. But it's really cute, so he can't be too mad _holy shit it smells like Naruto._ Sasuke tears up a bit.

"She smells like you." Sasuke does a sort of "I'm about to cry but I'm trying to not" pout.

Naruto chuckles, "Yup, she does. I slept in the same bed as her for a week."

Uh oh. Maybe Naruto shouldn't have mentioned that.

"A week?" Sasuke asks plainly.

"Yes, a week." Naruto's slinking a bit back at this point.

"You've known you were leaving for _at least_ a week, and you decided to tell me _Wednesday._ "

"Well, I just didn't want you to worry for so long –"

"That's an awful excuse."

"Besides, who plans to go across the country two days before they leave?"

"I don't know! You? You're pretty spontaneous!"

"Sasuke –"

"Say goodbye to your silverware, Uzumaki." Sasuke storms out of the classroom.

Naruto sighs. Sasuke's a bit of a train wreck at times, but otherwise he's pretty cool. That's what Naruto chants to himself as he tries not to throttle the man.

* * *

After school, Naruto rushes out of his classroom. Sasuke is standing there expectantly.

"You're not going to say good-bye?" Sasuke asks.

"Goodbye, Sas, I've gotta leave now."

"Fine. Bye."

Naruto unfortunately cannot stay to decrease the damage of the fall out to come. Sasuke pouts once again.

"You're pouting again."

"Shut it, Haruno."

* * *

Saturday

Sasuke is restless, not able to get much sleep. He keeps dreaming about the dreaded call he's most definitely going to get, where Naruto tells him he's moving up north with his father and he's never going to come back and then they're never going to get together and they're never going to move in together and they're never going to get married and they're never going to have kids –

They can't have kids anyways.

Moving on.

\- and they're never going to retire together and they're never going to move to Florida together and they're never going to – to – to…

Sasuke has fallen asleep at this point.

* * *

Sunday

Sasuke's bored. He usually spends his weekend with Naruto, so now that he's not here, his weekend just seems so… empty.

He goes grocery shopping, which isn't nearly as fun without battling for the Shopping Cart King title. He goes to the park for fresh air to clear his head, which isn't as fun without Naruto dragging Sasuke to go pet every dog they see. He swears Naruto has super-human vision.

They're never going to tell each other they love each other, they're never going to take care of each other when they're sick, they're never going to adopt 50 cats and name them all weird spellings of Rosemary, they're never going to – to –

Sasuke's asleep.

* * *

Monday

"So…" Sakura trails on, "how was your weekend?"

"Empty."

"Oh my god, you are the epitome of drama. He's coming back, Sasuke!"

"I don't _know that!"_ Sasuke exclaims, "I don't know that he's coming back!"

"You don't trust your boyfriend?"

"He – he's not my boyfriend. We're friends." Sakura gives him a blank look. "That's what he told me."

"Did you _tell_ him how you felt?"

"I don't feel anything. I am an emotionless crab that only scuttles along the beach hoping to pinch somebody with his claw."

"…what the fuck?" Sakura asked quietly.

"I don't know – my metaphors are falling a little flat."

"No kidding."

"This is no joking matter, Haruno! I'm dying, I am literally dying right now!" Sasuke is moving his arms wildly at this point.

"Chill, Sasuke, it's been two days."

"Two very, _very_ long days."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Whatever you say. Class is starting, it's best to be there when your students are there."

Sasuke sulks.

"Fine."

The students can sense Sasuke's despair as soon as he enters the doorway. They're whispering to each other again.

"Morning, class."

They laugh a little.

"Not even a good morning?" One student speaks up.

"What's good about this morning."

"Oh my god, someone has the love bite bad." Another student teases.

"The love – I don't even know what a love bite is. That sounds offensive. Don't offend me in these trying times."

At this point, with the way the students are laughing, Sasuke realizes that he's making a fool of himself. He determines he doesn't care, since obviously somebody had to fill Uzumaki's shoes around here. No one else is going to make him feel as much of an idiot as Naruto seemed to make him, but Sasuke's quickly catching up, he finds.

* * *

Wednesday

"So, how did you fare last night, Sasuke?" Sakura asks when he steps into the building.

"Alright."

Sakura's surprised, "Really?"

"Yes, Haruno, of course I'm alright. I'm not going to cry about that man the whole time he's gone, that's ridiculous." Sasuke scoffs at the mere idea.

"Okay, Sasuke, whatever you say."

Sasuke seems a bit more chipper, the students notice. Well, chipper for Mr. Uchiha, but still more up than he has been.

"Good morning, class."

"Ayyyyyyy, it's good today!" A student says happily.

"Yes, it is a fine day today. Unfortunately, it's about to not be for you."

The students show confusion on their faces.

"May I remind you that your essays are due today."

A collective groan is heard. Sasuke smiles.

Yes, today is a good day.

* * *

Friday

Sasuke's excited visibly as he comes into school.

"Wow, Sasuke, I never thought I'd see you smile that wide." Sakura teases.

"Today is Friday, Naruto is supposed to fly in today." Sasuke replies happily.

"Oh, that's right! Good luck."

Sasuke looks at her questioningly.

"If you don't confess to that man I will punch your face in."

Fair enough.

* * *

Sasuke's crying. Sakura slowly makes her way into his class.

"What's wrong?" She asks softly.

"Naruto isn't coming back tonight. There's a snow storm and the airport is shut down."

"Oh no! I hope he's okay." Sakura pats Sasuke on the shoulder, "He's coming back, babe."

"I don't know that."

* * *

Saturday

Sasuke is preparing for Naruto's return when he gets another call from him.

"Hey Sas, the storm's still pretty bad up here. Outlook is grim for a return tonight."

Sasuke's throat tightens.

"You're not coming back?" He squeaks.

" _Tonight._ I'm not coming back tonight. I'm coming back soon, though, okay?"

Sasuke hangs up on him.

The nerve.

* * *

Sunday

Sasuke's expecting the phone call this time.

"Why don't you just tell me that you're moving there? It'll save us a lot of trouble!" Sasuke growls out.

"I'm not moving here, Sasuke, the storm is super bad!" Naruto pleaded.

"THEN LEARN TO CONTROL THE WEATHER!" Sasuke hangs up again.

He looks down at his phone. There's literally no reason why he should be acting this way, but the thought of losing Naruto is just too much. Since his brain isn't even able to process the thought of Naruto possibly dying, him moving away has become the end of the world.

Sasuke hates literally everything.

* * *

Monday

Sakura can tell easily by Sasuke's aura that Naruto has not returned yet.

"Sasuke, he'll come back!" Sakura tries to comfort him.

"He's called so many times to tell me he can't so maybe he's just prolonging this! He's prolonging telling me so I "Have less time to worry" or whatever excuse he had for telling me he was leaving two days before he left." Sasuke spits it all out at once fairly quickly. He tries to catch his breath.

"Sasuke, I can under - oh my god! Sasuke! Look who it is!" Sakura points.

And there he is. The horribly mean but intensely gorgeous man that Sasuke switches from hating with a fiery passion to loving with all his heart again.

"Hey, Sas!" Naruto waved. He's still wearing his not work clothes. He's obviously not meant to be here.

"NARUTO!" Sasuke exclaims. He runs to him and all but pounces on him.

"Hey, Sas! I'm so sorry, that storm was awful!" Naruto hugs Sasuke to him. "You are so tiny oh my god."

"I thought – I thought you were going to move there!" Sasuke cries.

"I'm not going to move anywhere, Sas, not without you."

Sasuke's heart skips a beat as he looks up at Naruto with tearful eyes.

"Really?"

"Really. I can't live away from you." Naruto hugs him tighter, "Not when I love you this much."

Sasuke just about dies right there.

"You love me?" Sasuke asks hopefully.

"Yes, I do. Didn't realize it 'til dad pointed it out." Naruto pulls back from Sasuke to see his face.

"I love you, too." Sasuke says quietly, "Haruno told me that she's punch me in the face if I didn't tell you."

Naruto laughs heartily. "Did she now?"

"Yes."

Naruto laughs as he pulls Sasuke in for a kiss. Yes, everything is okay, and everything is perfect.

"I have to get home to shower and change –"

"Noooooooo….."

"Sasuke, I came here straight from the airport. I'm tired." Naruto attempts to untangle himself from Sasuke, but Sasuke is certainly determined.

"How about you stay. Here. Forever." Sasuke proposes.

"I don't want to stay in the school forever, Sasuke, as much as I love teaching."

"Fine." Sasuke pouts as he lets Naruto go.

Naruto walks towards the door, "See ya, Sas!" He waves.

"Bye." Sasuke walks towards Sakura, "You still owe me pizza!"

"I know!" Naruto exits the building.

Sasuke looks at Sakura with a smug smile. "I don't even like pizza."

"Why are you making him order pizza, then?" Sakura asks.

"Because he wanted to. And besides, he'll be so happy to have more pizza."

"You're going to make him fat."

"I don't care," Sasuke examines his fingernails, "and besides, I need a cushion. He might murder me."

"Wait, are we talking human cushion, or did you do something cushion?" Sakura asks.

"I broke into his house and sold all his silverware on Craigslist." Sasuke says nonchalantly.

"I thought you were kidding?" Sakura asks incredulously.

"He has to learn somehow. Besides, I don't kid." Sasuke winks. He starts towards his classroom.

"Please tell me you're joking."

Sasuke turns to wink at her.

* * *

Naruto, upon getting home, opens the silverware drawer.

"Son of a-"


	3. The Meanie Meanie Butt Face Incident

**A/N:** I did this based on a comment I received on AO3 by LolieG. It's a good subject that I suck at writing, so... this one doesn't seem as funny as the previous two to me. Hopefully the next one will totally make up for it.

Enjoy!

* * *

Sasuke is content. Naruto is there, and Naruto is happy, so Sasuke is happy, too. Naruto is happier today, so Sasuke is happier too.

Sasuke approaches him after fourth period comes to an end.

He is talking to someone.

Someone who is not Sasuke.

The nerve.

See, if it was a student he was talking to, Sasuke is able to let that go – they're teachers, for god's sake. However, this someone was most certainly _not_ a student, he was a grown ass man –

Did Naruto just _laugh?_

Sasuke quickens his pace.

"—oh my god, I can _not_ believe that! Really? He really did?" Naruto asks the man incredulously.

"Yes, he did. Kicked out of the whole chain." The man replies smugly.

"That's insa-"

"Totally insane," Sasuke butts in. He turns to whisper to Naruto, "what's totally insane, you have to catch me up."

"Well, _Sasuke_ ," Naruto shoots the man a look, "we were talking about an old family friend. Of my family, not his."

"How old is he?" Sasuke asks.

"Well, he – not that kind of old family friend, although he is old –"

"You don't know how old he is?" Sasuke asks.

"Well, no, not really –"

"Well then, stop talking about him." Sasuke says, "Obviously you don't _need_ to if you don't even _know_ him."

"So _this_ is…?" The man points at Sasuke.

"Hey, don't point," Sasuke scolds, "it's considered rude in many cultures."

"Is it rude in _your_ culture?"

"Well, not mine in particular, but some. For all you know you could be offending some foreign grandmother right at this very moment. Oh, do you hear that?" Sasuke holds a hand up to his ear, "She just called you an asshole."

"I thought you were kidding."

"Please, don't –" Naruto pleads the man.

"Don't what? What is he doing?" Sasuke grabs Naruto's arm and leans into him, "Is he a bad man? Do I have to save you?"

"No, Sasuke, you don't have to save me," Naruto sighs, "this is an old friend of mine, Kiba. Say hi Kiba."

"I'm pretty sure saying hi is going to take me on a ride I don't want to be on." Kiba replies.

Sasuke gasps dramatically, "The man won't even say hi! Some friend he is, right? How about you just… never speak to him again. Ever."

"Sasuke, please, you're being ridiculous –"

"…and I'm the best at it." Sasuke replies.

"You are so lucky he's cute, because that's just weird." Kiba comments.

"He called me cute, Naruto, he's a predator," Naruto groans as Sasuke continues, "so obviously you should keep me away from him because who _knows_ what he'll do to me!"

Kiba laughs. Students are now accumulating around them, because these things tend to be interesting.

"Alright, man, I gotta split, but I'll see you tonight?"

"Yeah, man, see ya tonight."

"Alright, cool then." Kiba gives Naruto a pat on the arm before he leaves.

Naruto turns to Sasuke warily.

"So… you're seeing him tonight, I see." Sasuke crosses his arms.

"Yes, we're going to catch up. I haven't seen him in years."

"Mm-hmm…" Sasuke examines his nails.

"You can come if you want." Naruto offers.

"Why would I want to come? I want nothing to do with that predator maniac. Who knows, he might murder me."

" _I_ might murder you if you keep this up."

"Thank you!" Sasuke exclaims, "I'm willing to die by your hand, not his."

Naruto rolls his eyes as he enters his classroom.

"You'll die by my hand alright."

* * *

Sasuke is grumpier, the students note. They're wary to turn in their papers at this point, because Sasuke hasn't been that nice with grades when he's angry.

"What's wrong?" A student asks.

"Nothing." Sasuke replies curtly.

"If nothing was wrong, you wouldn't be acting like a piss baby." Another student says.

"I'm not a… a _that_ baby," Sasuke avoids using bad language in front of students, "that's mean."

"Then tell us what's wrong, mate. We might can help you."

Sasuke considers this offer for a moment.

"Uzumaki has this friend that came into town and he's spending all of his time with him."

"Wow. That's what's wrong." The student's reply was said rather rudely.

"Yes, that's what's wrong! What else would be wrong? He's just a…." Sasuke thinks for a moment, "a meanie, meanie butt face."

The students break out into laughter.

"A – a _meanie, meanie butt face?"_

"Yes! A meanie, meanie butt face!" Sasuke whines.

"I'm going to tell Mr. Uzumaki you called him a meanie, meanie butt face." The students can hardly breathe at this rate.

"I did _not_ call Mr. Uzumaki a meanie, meanie butt face! I called his _friend_ a meanie, meanie butt face!" Sasuke's voice has officially reached the "kettle" whine.

"Okay, so I'll tell him you called his _friend_ a meanie, meanie butt face."

"Go ahead, see if I care."

"Mr. Uzumaki might not appreciate you being mean to his friend, you know."

"Yeah, well, I'm his best friend, he _was_ his best friend, and there can only be one. Have you even _seen_ Highlander?" The students laugh in response. "God, you're all uncultured swine. That was paraphrased from Toy Story, in case you haven't seen _that,_ either."

The bell rings and the students thank the heavens that Mr. Uchiha forgot to ask them for their essays after his lecture.

* * *

As soon as Naruto enters the school the next day he can feel Sasuke's pissed off aura. He doesn't even know where Sasuke is, so the extension of his aura _has_ to be on purpose. Naruto decides to attempt to avoid him until he calms down.

Sasuke's waiting for him at the door of his classroom.

Of course.

"So, what did you do last night?" Sasuke asks.

"Um, I caught up with Kiba."

"Why were you running?"

"Uh…" Naruto has no idea what to say to that. "…we weren't? Not like, physical catching up, but like… combining memories catching up."

"Combining memories, huh."

"Yes. We talked."

"You talked?"

"That's literally what I just said, Sasuke. I have preparation work to do –"

"What did you talk about."

"Why are you interrogating me?" Naruto complains, "It's not like we're even dating!"

Sasuke looks like a kicked puppy at this point.

"Well, I know that, but –"

"Kiba and I are _not_ sleeping together if that's what you're worried about! I would _never_ sleep with that man!"

"You're not even sleeping with me, Naruto, I know you're not –" Sasuke narrows his eyes. He looks Naruto up and down, "…or are you?"

"I literally just said –"

"Stop using the word literally, you're overusing it, and you're making me even more suspicious of your activities."

"Sasuke, _please."_

"I don't like you hanging out with him!" Sasuke pouts.

"Why? I haven't seen him in years! He was my best friend from high school! Wouldn't you want to hang out with _your_ best friend from high school if they showed up?"

"…" A montage of war flashbacks of Suigetsu play in Sasuke's mind. "…no."

"Sasuke, I'm not dating him, I'm not sleeping with him, Sas I can't even brush against him without him screaming No Homo." Naruto rubs his hand along Sasuke's arm reassuringly, "You have nothing to worry about."

"I just… you spending time with him is not you spending time with me." Sasuke looks down.

Naruto sighs, "Sasuke, I know you have problems with this kind of stuff, but it's getting out of hand."

"Maybe they wouldn't be so bad if you didn't borderline abandon me when you went to see your father."

"Sasuke."

"What? You almost moved!"

"I wasn't even considering it –"

"Besides, you knew I'd have a hard time with it! Why didn't you just… oh, I don't know, take me with you?"

"I'm training you."

Sasuke pauses.

"What?"

"I'm training you! You have wicked separation anxiety, and I'm trying to help."

Sasuke's pissed off aura grows.

"You summoned a fucking snow storm to _train_ me?"

"I didn't – why the fuck do you think I can control the weather? That is so –"

"I despise you."

"You know, you _can_ hang out with us, Sas. I told you that you could."

"Why would you want to hang out with me?"

"Wh – what do you – what do you _mean_ why would I want to hang out with you? You just –"

Sasuke smiles.

"I knew you liked me."

Naruto sighs.

"You are absolutely ridiculous."

"I know." Sasuke cuddles up to him.

"…we aren't dating, are we?" Naruto thinks out loud.

"I'm not sure at this point. I thought we were, but then you said we weren't, so… you're dating me now."

"Wow, you aren't even going to ask me?"

Sasuke turns to look at him.

"What? No, that's preposterous. Why would I ask you when I already know that you're going to say yes?"

Naruto sighs. He pulls Sasuke in closer, who appreciates the gesture.

"Kiba was right – you are lucky you're cute."

* * *

And Naruto was right. Kiba _is_ kinda cool…

…he should still watch his back, though. Sasuke hasn't been meeting him; Sasuke has been researching all of his weak points.

That man better watch his step, or he'll catch these hands.

* * *

 **A/N:** Don't let my fast-paced writing and uploading of these make you believe these are easy to write. I'm writing in the fucking present tense. My English teacher tells us that it helps engage the reader more into our writing. I'm bad at tenses already. Help.


	4. The After School Hours Incident

**A/n:** This is the reason for the rating bump. Hope this makes up for it lol.

This one follow's Naruto's train of thought rather than Sasuke's for the majority of it, because Naruto is the one who is "suffering". He's a little crazy in this one.

Have fun, hope you enjoy!

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke are now in a relationship. Sasuke is very happy. They are not sleeping together, however, just cuddles and kisses and short "I love you's". Sasuke is content with this.

Naruto is not.

Now, Naruto isn't about to force Sasuke into anything, heavens no, but he's… he has needs. And Sasuke is very pretty and would really, really, _really_ fill those needs quite well. Naruto is trying not to be impatient, but every time they have movie night or he sleeps over and Sasuke just leans onto him and does that cute little sigh of his, Naruto gets even more frustrated.

This has to end.

"Hey, Sas, you want to hang out tonight?" Naruto asks hopefully.

"Of course," Sasuke scoffs, "why wouldn't I? What did you have in mind?"

"Um…"

Now, see here, Naruto isn't quite… subtle. He's the epitome of _not_ subtle, but he gives it his best shot.

"…adult things?"

Yup. Nailed it.

"Naruto, I know it's tax season, but that's, like, incredibly boring."

Naruto screeches internally.

"Well, I wasn't thinking of taxes, really –"

"I'm not interested in drinking, either. You _know_ I don't drink!" Sasuke crosses his arms, "I would think my boyfriend would know that."

"No, Sas, I do know that…" Naruto sighs in defeat, "…I meant that we should rent some R rated movie or something."

Sasuke pauses for a bit, thinking.

"Oh, well then, that's okay."

Naruto cries a little inside.

* * *

The night went okay – cuddling isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, Naruto really enjoys having the English teacher so close to him. But it isn't the _best_ thing. And it's incredibly awkward when Sasuke's just trying to be affectionate and Naruto's just trying to not develop a boner. So, yeah, Naruto decides that he should try just a _little_ harder.

It's after school now. Naruto enters Sasuke's classroom.

"Hey, Sas, what's up?" Naruto asks.

"Well, I'm grading the tests, but other than that I'm being disturbed by a deranged blond lunatic." Sasuke doesn't even look up as he says this.

"I'm not deranged!"

"What else would you be if you were disturbing my grading session?" Sasuke asks. Naruto groans.

"Well, maybe I can help you."

Sasuke lights up at the suggestion.

"But you'll owe me."

Sasuke deflates.

"Why?" Sasuke asks.

"Because I'm doing the work for you, Sas."

"You're doing the work _with_ me, Naruto." Sasuke corrects him.

"Oh, good! Hand me an answer key, let's knock this baby out!"

"Wha – that's not – I –" Sasuke stutters, "…fine."

Sasuke hands Naruto an answer key and they get to work.

This is boring. Naruto's trying to keep him mind off that fact. All he can think about is boning Sasuke afterwards. He prays silently that Sasuke will let him. Sasuke _must_ have _some_ sort of needs built up by now. Naruto can't be _that_ bad looking.

And Sasuke was most certainly _very_ good looking.

Naruto beings to sweat a bit. He needs to stop thinking about this. But images keep running through his mind and he just can't help it at this point! What is he supposed to do? There's no _way_ he _can't_ think about it!

Sasuke remains silent, working quickly and efficiently. At this point Naruto's not even sure he's grading the right answers. He looks down at the essay in his hands. When the hell had he grabbed an _essay_? And what was up with all of the essays Sasuke assigned his students? He was _always_ grading essays at the beginning of their nights together, and –

Oh, dear god, he's cockblocking Naruto.

Naruto's not sure he's even aware he's doing it, but he's evil and must be stopped. But if he stops him, then he's stopping Sasuke, which would probably mean no adult time with him, which would mean Sasuke would be angry, which would mean they would break up, which would mean Naruto would _never_ get laid _ever_ because there's no way anyone else in the world would ever measure up to his tiny boyfriend, which would mean –

Sasuke's looking at him expectantly.

"Are you okay?" Sasuke quirks an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Naruto clears his throat, "I'm fine. Are you okay?"

"Yes, quite. I asked you because you're bear hugging my hole punch."

Naruto looks down at the hole punch in his arms.

"Oh, uh…." Naruto places it back on Sasuke's desk, "…sorry."

"Mm-hmm." Sasuke hums, "How far along are you? I'm almost done."

"Oh, uh…" Naruto gulps nervously. The stack of papers in his hands is quite expansive.

"You know, it's… it's almost done."

"You're a liar." Sasuke accuses.

"What?"

"You're a liar. I handed you the essays my students wrote a week ago."

" _That_ explains it!" Naruto nods slightly.

"Yes, of course that explains it. Now, do you mind telling me what's wrong, Naruto?"

"I just…"

Naruto decides it's now or never.

He stands up and approaches Sasuke.

"Sasuke." Naruto sings out.

"What." Sasuke stands up out of his chair.

"I have something in mind that we could do."

"I don't like where this is going." Sasuke starts to move away from him.

"Oh, come on, I haven't even _told_ you yet."

"Naruto, I'm not interested in any kind of weird cult practices you've gotten into, please just count me out."

Naruto stares at him blankly.

"I'm not – I'm not even _in_ a cult!"

"I thought you were!"

"Why would you think I was? What could have _possibly_ made you think I was in a cult?"

"Well, the whole creepy voice thing you did when you said my name –"

"That wasn't a creepy cult voice, it was a playful voice!"

"Oh." Sasuke straightens up. He clears his throat, "Well, then, what did you have in mind?"

"I thought that maybe we could have sex."

Sasuke deadpans.

"What?"

"I thought that we could have sex! That's what I was suggesting!" Naruto says, exacerbated.

"Well, why in the hell didn't you just say so?" Sasuke asks.

"Well, I thought it would be too direct." Naruto crosses his arms and frowns.

"It is a little on the direct side, but we haven't been doing anything. I would've thought you'd make a move by now."

Naruto's eyebrow twitches.

"You thought what?"

"I thought you would've made a move by now."

"You mean you knew I wanted to."

"Yes." Sasuke says confidently.

"Why didn't you ask me?"

"Because it's _your_ job to ask _me!_ " Sasuke points to Naruto then himself.

" _Why is it my job?"_ Naruto exclaims.

"I don't know!"

"Well, let's get to it, then!" Naruto approaches Sasuke again.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Sasuke puts a hand on Naruto's chest, "We're at school."

"Yeah, and?"

"What if a student walks in?" Sasuke asks.

"A student isn't going to _walk in,_ Sasuke – it's _way_ after school hours."

Sasuke looks at Naruto, thinking.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure, Sas."

"Alright, then."

So soon Sasuke's back is on the desk, his shirt is open, they're kissing like crazy, and Naruto has his hand down Sasuke's pants. Sasuke moans lowly.

"Why don't you call me daddy?" Naruto asks.

"Why, are you into that?" Sasuke replies.

"No, I never was, but the students told me you called me daddy, so I wasn't sure if I'd be into it if you called me it."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah! I've never heard it come out of your mouth!"

Naruto's hand has stopped at this point. The conversation takes precedence.

"I'm not really into the whole 'daddy' thing." Sasuke dismisses.

"…what?"

"I'm not! It was a simple slip of the tongue –"

"Explain to me how _Mr. Uzumaki_ or _Naruto_ comes anywhere _close_ to _daddy_."

"It doesn't have to!" Sasuke says, "It was an accident!"

"Well, what if I call you baby girl?"

Sasuke puts a death grip on Naruto's arm.

"Don't."

"Why?" Naruto asks.

"Do you want me to end now? Because I will."

Naruto grins.

"Does it turn you on when I call you baby girl?" Naruto teases.

"Stop." Sasuke groans.

"That's so fucking sexy, babe." Naruto kisses Sasuke. When he pulls back, he looks at him questioningly. "So, would you like, pop a boner in the middle of class if I called you that?"

Sasuke puts on his best death glare, "Don't you dare, Uzumaki, or I swear to god –"

"You swear to god _what,_ baby girl?"

"Naruto!"

They're back to kissing, Naruto's hand is moving again, mostly because Naruto wants to make sure Sasuke doesn't throttle him. Another moan comes out of Sasuke.

A "kettle" squeal is heard across the room.

Naruto and Sasuke look towards the door. There she is, a lone student, who for some reason is in the school three hours after school let out.

Now, unfortunately, the English language will not let me portray the emotions on the faces of every party involved, so I hope this helps:

Naruto: ಠ_ಠ

Sasuke: 《ﾟДﾟ》

The poor, unfortunate soul: ಠ , ಥ

"I – I'll just –" The student stares in shock for a couple more seconds before running out of the room.

Sasuke glares at Naruto.

"I fucking told you!"

* * *

Unfortunately for both, the student is in Sasuke's second period class. She moves to her seat. Sasuke continues his lecture as normal. He's dying. He's most definitely going to lose his job.

At the end of class, the students file out of the room. The poor student stays behind.

"I'm so sorry, you weren't supposed to see that." Sasuke apologizes quickly.

"Yeah, no shit." She says sarcastically.

"I know it's a lot to ask, but can you _please_ –"

"Not tell anyone?" She asks.

"…yeah, that. Again, I'm so sorry."

"Why would I tell anyone?"

Sasuke stops for a moment.

"Uh, you're a high school student, I assumed you'd tell everyone."

"Yeah, I'd tell everyone if it was just _you,"_ she clarifies, "but Mr. Uzumaki is involved."

"What does Mr. Uzumaki have to do with you disclosing this information?"

"You'd lose your _jobs_ if anyone found out."

"Yeah, and you would tell people if it was just _me?_ " Sasuke asks.

"Well, yeah. I like Mr. Uzumaki. I don't like you. It's simple. I don't care if you lose your job," She slings her backpack over one shoulder, "you're expendable."

She leaves the classroom. Sasuke stands in place for a second.

* * *

A single "kettle" whine is heard throughout the hallway, accompanied by quick footsteps towards Mr. Uzumaki's classroom.

"Naruto!"


	5. The Chihuahuas Are Scary Incident

**A/N:** Sorry I didn't post yesterday! The whole 'daily' thing is not guaranteed. The only reason it was for Do What Now? was because I had it already finished before posting. All I have are vague ideas of these, so I'm trying.

Work is shit so there's that I guess.

This one was originally part of another one, but it's separate now.

Have fun!

* * *

Sasuke is an English teacher. It's not what he's always wanted to be – at some point he had wanted to be a human garbage can. It didn't work out. That Halloween was one of the worst days of his life.

Buuuuuuut, being an English teacher isn't all _that_ bad. Besides, he met the most amazing, most wonderful, most gorgeous, most happy, most nicest guy ever, Naruto Uzumaki.

Well, he _could_ be the most nicest guy ever.

"You are the epitome of weird." Naruto says to the fuming man beside him.

"I am _not_ WEIRD!" Sasuke stomps his foot.

"Yes, you are. You're also kind of a dick sometimes."

"Wha-" Sasuke has one of those "how _dare_ you" kinds of faces on, a hand placed on his chest, "What do you mean _kind of a-_ Naruto, there are _STUDENTS_ in this classroom!"

Naruto looks around indifferently.

"So, there are." He nods.

"I cannot believe this kind of behavior and not to mention this _language_ that you are emitting right now, Uzumaki." Sasuke growls out.

"Eh, suck it."

Sasuke's eyes grow wide with murderous rage.

" _Excuse me?"_

"I said suck it." Naruto replies calmly.

Sasuke growls.

"I am not putting up with this, Uzumaki. I hope you have a ba-… a _day_." Sasuke storms out of the classroom, still unable to wish Uzumaki a bad day, despite his 'tude.

Naruto chuckles slightly.

"…what possessed you to do _that?"_ A student asks.

"Oh, it's fun to see him get angry." Naruto shrugs.

"Really? Why? Wouldn't he be pissed at you for the rest of the day?"

"Oh, no," Naruto shakes his head, "he'll come back 'round again, he always does."

"Why do you do it? That's mean!" Another student says.

"Because it's fun to see small, short people get angry."

"No, it's not – it's _terrifying!_ I mean, come on, have you even _met_ a chihuahua?"

"I've seen chihuahuas before, and I can assure you that Sasuke is not as scary as those tiny demons."

We'll see about that.

* * *

After fourth period, Naruto takes a restroom break before the next class. When he enters the class, the students are not there. Not a single one. He stands at his door, waiting, but not a single student enters. When the bell signifying the start of class rings, Naruto enters his room and sits down, contemplating life.

The door opens. Naruto looks towards the door and there's Sasuke, holding something behind his back.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Uzumaki."

Naruto has figured out by this point that Sasuke only addresses him by his last name if he's pissed. He _never_ addresses him with a 'Mr.' in front of it if he's not talking to a student.

Naruto gulps.

"Heya, Sasuke, what's up?" Naruto asks.

"Oh, I dunno…" Sasuke walks towards him slowly, brushing the top of his desk with his index finger as he walks by, "I thought we could have some _fun."_ Sasuke's voice lowers at the last word.

Naruto attempts to catch a glimpse of what Sasuke is holding behind his back, but Sasuke moves it out of sight.

"W-what kind of fun?" Naruto asks cautiously.

"Well, something that's more fun for _me_ than it is for _you."_

Naruto hesitates, "Did you – did you _tell_ the students _not_ to come to my class this period?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Sasuke says slowly.

"Uh…." Naruto is sweating at this point.

It's probably a knife behind his back. Or a gun. Or maybe a spoon, which, when used correctly, could _also_ be a dangerous murder weapon. Sasuke is most definitely skilled enough to fatally injure Naruto with a fucking spoon.

"Sasuke, please, what's going on?" Naruto asks.

"Nothing is going on."

"No, Sasuke, something is going on, you're holding something behind you're back and you won't show me, and I'm really scared so _please just tell me what's going on."_

Sasuke pulls out the object from behind his back. Naruto squeals.

It's horrible, it's terrifying, it's -

"It's a hairbrush." Sasuke says flatly.

Naruto stares for a few moments.

"…why the fuck are you hiding a hairbrush I was scared for my life!" Naruto exclaims.

"Because I'm mad."

"Wh- why – what the – you're mad?" Naruto stutters.

"Yes, I'm mad. You were being particularly mean to me today, and I don't appreciate it." Sasuke looks down.

"Well, I'm sorry, it's just – you're so cute when you're mad!"

"Really?" Sasuke lights up.

"Well, yeah! That's the only reason why I do it! I wouldn't do it otherwise!"

"Oh." Sasuke looks at the hairbrush in his hands.

"You fucking scared me, man. I felt like I was living a horror film."

"…what made you feel that way?" Sasuke asks.

"Well, the whole no students this period thing –"

"The students went on a field trip. Did you forget? They never stopped blabbing about it for the whole _week_."

"You uh… you stood pretty creepily in my doorway –"

"I'm mad. Or, I _was_ mad."

"Yeah! And the you addressed me as Mr. Uzumaki –"

"I hadn't realized I'd done that." Sasuke looks off to the side.

"And then you walking up to me like that, with the whole finger and the desk thing –"

"I was going to ask you to do something."

"Something _you_ would like more than _I_ would."

"Yes."

"…what?" Naruto asks, "Were you going to murder me?"

"No!" Sasuke waves the hairbrush around, "I was going to ask you to brush my hair!"

…

Naruto sits still to process this.

"I like it when you brush my hair, I find it really helps to calm me down. I figured you just had a bad day or something and that's why you were being mean. I didn't mean to _scare_ you." Sasuke mumbles.

"…you think I don't like brushing your hair?" Naruto asks.

"Uh, no, I don't."

"I like brushing your hair."

"Oh," Sasuke looks at the hairbrush before handing it to him, "well, today's your luck day!"

"Alright, let's get to it."

Naruto brushes Sasuke's hair softly. Sasuke sighs. Sasuke's hair really is fun to brush – it's really soft, despite the whole spike do he's got that looks like it takes five cans of hairspray for thirty minutes of lift.

"I was so scared because I said it was funny when you get angry because you're small and short –"

"I am not small." Sasuke crosses his arms.

"…well, the students told me that small, short people getting angry is scary, like chihuahuas."

Sasuke laughs.

"You thought I would be scary like a chihuahua?"

"Well, yeah, I know it's dumb, but the thought they put into my head was just… I dunno."

Sasuke laughs again.

"Oh, honey, I'm not like a chihuahua," Sasuke laughs.

"I'm _much_ worse."


	6. The No Ramen Please I Beg of You Inciden

**A/N:** Hey! Sorry I haven't been writing, and that my last one wasn't part of this series. I'm hella sick! My throat is perpetually closing and I'm on steroids for it and it's still not helping and they think it's my thyroid and I'm just... I'll be ok lol.

I'm not really aware of where I am most of the time, and I completely forgot what I even wrote in I Love You, Naruto Uzumaki, so if that tells you anything about my condition, then I hope you understand.

Don't feel worried about me, I have things like this all the time - I'll be ok. I just hope y'all forgive me for not posting as much as I'd like, whether it's due to school, work, or illness, I'm always hoping to write more.

Hope you enjoy this (very, very, pathetically tiny) work!

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke are a… quirky couple. How they settle their arguments is beyond their spectators. The students, as well as their colleagues, are so… worried, for their sanity. They're opposite sides to the same coin – how could they _possibly_ make it work?

Well, it goes a little something like this.

* * *

The last bell of the day resounds throughout the halls, much to the students' delight. Naruto and Sasuke immediately make eye contact, questioning, waiting, _daring._

Naruto takes off first, Sasuke shortly behind.

Naruto tries his best to squeeze through the large throng of students, but to no avail – there are just too many! He quickly surveys his surroundings in search of Sasuke, unable to locate him. His eyebrow twitches. He couldn't be gone already, could he?

Naruto is in the middle of revamping his efforts when he hears a commotion ahead of him.

"MOVE, I'M GAY!" Sasuke exclaims, shoving students off to the side as he makes his way through the hall.

"YOU CAN'T JUST _DO_ THAT, SASUKE! THAT'S NOT OKAY!" Naruto yells after him.

"SAYS THE _LOSER!"_ Sasuke turns to blow a raspberry at him. Naruto's brows furrow.

"I'm not a LOSER!"

"Yes, you are!" Sasuke banters.

"No, I'm _not!_ " Naruto lunges towards Sasuke and successfully snatches his tie.

" _Oh, choke me harder daddy!"_ Sasuke says dramatically.

The sentence has its intended effect; Naruto quickly loosens his grip on the tie as Sasuke made a mad dash down the hall.

Naruto stands still, blinking, before he shakes his head and glares at where Sasuke went.

" _HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR!"_ Naruto calls after him.

"ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR!" Sasuke calls back.

Naruto rushes through the hall and takes an alternate path, one with a longer distance but less traffic. He reaches the main hall in record time, Sasuke hot on his tail. Sasuke narrows his eyes, there's no way in _hell_ Uzumaki's winning tonight.

Sasuke quickens his pace as he jumps toward and launches himself off the wall to the left of Naruto and knocks him down. Naruto falls hard, looking up at Sasuke.

"That's cheap." Naruto spits out.

"Well, it's a good thing I'm a cheap kinda guy," Sasuke saunters to the front entrance. He leans against the doorframe, drawling out a "lacking a cheap kinda taste."

Naruto groans loudly.

"Can't we just have _ramen?"_ He whines.

"No, I win, fair and square."

"I'm pretty sure a lot of those moves were illegal." Naruto points out.

"No, we never set any rules. First one to the front entrance chooses dinner. That's what we agreed on." Sasuke crosses his arms and examines his nails.

"Sasuke, please," Naruto says, "ramen."

"No."

Sasuke exits the building. Naruto falls limp on the ground, students gathering around.

"I'm dead. You're all vultures. Tell him that – maybe he'll believe me."

It is kind of pathetic to see Mr. Uzumaki on the ground like this, but it is also hella funny.

* * *

Sasuke rushes out of his class when the last bell rang. He shoves past students in an attempt to get to the door before…

…wait, where is Naruto?

Never mind! Focus, Sasuke!

Sasuke slides along the floor as he rounds the last bend. He looks up and locks eyes with Naruto… standing at the front door…

Sasuke slips and falls in his confusion. He looks up at Naruto.

"How did you get there?" He asks.

"I walked."

" _How?"_ Sasuke asks.

"I put one foot in front of the other." At Sasuke's exasperated groan, Naruto caves. "I walked around the school."

Sasuke pauses.

"…around? As in _outside?_ "

"Yes, as in outside."

"You – you can't _do_ that!" Sasuke exclaims. He gets up and storms up to Naruto.

"Yes, I can."

"What in the hell makes you think that's okay?" Sasuke's voice raises in pitch.

"All's fair in love and war." Naruto says smugly.

"You aren't allowed to cheat!"

"Oh, so you're admitting you were cheating, then." Naruto crosses his arms.

"No, I wasn't! It's just that the rules bend to my will, not yours."

"Haha." Naruto laughs victoriously.

"Please, Naruto, can we go somewhere _I_ like?" Sasuke begs.

"No. The first person to the front entrance gets to choose dinner," Naruto leans in, "and you're outta luck, babe."

"No ramen, Naruto – please, I _beg_ of you!"

* * *

Naruto looks up at Sasuke from his bowl of ramen.

"Hey, Sas," he slurps up a noodle, "that was totally hot the other day, I never told you."

"What was hot?" Sasuke pushes the noodles in is bowl slightly.

"When I finally heard you call me daddy. You should do that more often."

"Ew, no, that's gross!"

"That's why we're together in the first place!"

"I was a slip of the tongue!"

"How do you slip from _Uzumaki_ to _Daddy?_ "

"Shut up!"


	7. Silverware on Craigslist pt 2

**A/n:** Hey! Sorry I've been dead recently - I'm working on original works at the moment. Thought I'd pop another one of these bad boys out - to relieve some tension.

I hope this one is as fun as the first two and ten thousand times better than the following ones because let's be honest they fell a little flat. This was also written around 1 AM so it's oodles of noodles! Also I'm crying because I had caffeine for the first time in months and it's not fun.

Hope you enjoy!

The actual title of this one wouldn't fit so here it is:

 **The "I Swear to** **God, If You Bought Those On Craigslist" Incident**

* * *

This day is a day that will forever go down in history. Sasuke is sure it will be at least book 10 of his 15-volume memoir, but it will still be in there. He isn't sure how much longer he'll live at this point, but he figures it's best to live a good life than live a long one.

Today is the day of the first party he will ever attend as Naruto Uzumaki's +1.

Ah, the status of a +1, so glamourous. Uzumaki must surely love him to drag him along. Sasuke smiles contentedly.

"…are you doing that ranting in your head again?"

Sasuke looks particularly offended as his gaze moves from the wall to the student.

"N-no." Sasuke defends himself.

"That means yes." Another student sings out.

"No does not mean yes in any language. That's a very big problem, thank you very much."

"Are you saying… we should make a language where no means yes?"

"No," Sasuke groans, "I mean it's a problem to – never mind, what were we even going over?"

"You don't remember?"

"No, I don't remember. I thought that was pretty obvious by the way I asked you."

"Some teacher you are." A student in the back leans back in his chair.

"Yeah, you keep saying that when you fall backwards for the tenth time this week despite my various warnings."

"I'm not going to fall." The student mocks.

"Natural selection is going to have a hay day with you, you know that?" Sasuke mumbles.

He rolls his eyes as he struggles to remember where he left off in his lecture.

This day couldn't get any worse, obviously, since he was going to that party tonight.

* * *

Apparently, he was wrong.

"Yeah! I haven't actually met her, but apparently she's Gaara's sister, so that's pretty neat." Naruto roams about the bed room getting ready.

"Oh."

"Yeah, it's her birthday or something, but Gaara didn't want to be left alone."

"Mm-hmm…" Sasuke nods absentmindedly. Shit.

"Poor Gaara. He's not a big socialite, kinda like you."

"…maybe we shouldn't go." Sasuke suggests.

Naruto turns to him.

"Why not?" He approaches Sasuke, "You seemed so excited before."

"Well," Sasuke wracks his brain, "I'm feeling a little… ill, I'd suppose. You might have to fetch the smelling salts."

"Stop going all 1900's on my, Sas, what's up?" Naruto leans against the dresser beside Sasuke.

"Nothing Is up, Naruto – I'm about to be down, in fact."

"Sasuke, you're going to be fine – we're going."

"But, have you maybe considered, maybe we… didn't?" Sasuke purses his lips as he side-eyes Naruto.

"We're going."

"But –"

"Or I'm going."

Sasuke gapes at him.

"Without you."

Sasuke gasps.

"Well, I'd never, in all of my life," Sasuke places a hand on his chest, "what in tarnation? What the hell do you think you'd even – ah, the nerve – the _gall –_ the sheer amount of balls it takes to say that."

"Balls like a ball pit?"

"No, I meant testicles, dip weed."

"Dip weed is the most –"

" _I know it's stupid I'm not thinking straight_!" Sasuke hisses.

"You never are."

"Yeah – well – you have a point." Sasuke mumbles.

"Dude, Sas, _chill._ Whatever ants are in your pants will vacate them once we're there."

"…if you insist."

Naruto makes for the door.

"If you went alone, you wouldn't summon another snow storm, would you?"

"Get your ass over here, Sasuke."

"Alright."

* * *

The party is going well. Food and drinks had been served, people are wobbling everywhere drunk, and Sasuke gets to bask in the witnessing of various "hold my beer" moments.

Ah, yes, this is mighty fine indeed.

Naruto approaches Sasuke.

"I told you that you had nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, looks like I'm fine."

They watch the people in the vast back yard underneath the stars. It could've been romantic if they weren't currently watching people drunkenly stumble about.

"I have no idea why she insists on having these parties."

Sasuke glares at Gaara.

"Excuse me, who are you speaking to?"

"Down, Sasuke," Naruto places a hand on Sasuke's arm, "he's a friend."

"I thought we had already established how I felt about friends."

"Hey, Kiba's pretty cool – I thought you liked him."

"You thought wrong."

"Is he always like this?" Gaara asks.

"Yes, always."

"Stop talking to him." Sasuke whines.

"Sasuke," Naruto kisses him on the forehead, "I love you so much, but you're being a little whiney bitch. Imma need you to take the crazy down a notch."

"Oh, hon, this bitch dial goes to 10 and I'm on a straight 70 at all times," Sasuke replies, "…but I could maybe consider taking it down to a 69, maybe even a 68.99999 _8_ for you. Because I love you."

"That's… so thoughtful of you, Sasuke." Naruto says, completely unassured.

"I know. I am _the_ most thoughtful man in existence." Sasuke nods his head in agreement with himself.

"And humble, too." Gaara comments.

Sasuke turns to say something snarky back but sees Naruto and thinks twice.

"…maybe I can take it to a 50?"

"50's much better, thank you." Naruto pats Sasuke's head.

Sasuke tenses as Naruto talks with Gaara. He needs to be on his best behavior or this night ain't gonna be fun.

* * *

More and more and more food is being brought out. Sasuke begins to sweat as he sees guests drop plate after plate, cup after cup, fork… after fork… after fork… after fork.

Sasuke gulps nervously.

"What's up in sauce land?" Naruto slides up to him.

"Well, there's mustard," Sasuke winces as he sees a fork dropped and another picked up from the table, "…and the forecast is calling for massive amounts of ketchup."

Naruto ponders this for a moment.

"…I don't know what that means."

"Hopefully you won't."

Naruto looks at Sasuke cautiously.

"Sasuke."

"Yes, dear, sweet sunshine, the love of my life that I'd never do wrong ever and if you think I did then you're a terrible person and I can't believe what you might accuse me of like really honest to God I cannot believe this and I'm already offended by what you have done in this hypothetical situation and now you've upset me nice going _asshole."_

Naruto stands in place, blinking quickly as he attempts to process the very long winded but surprisingly fast speech.

"What am I hypothetically going to do?"

Sasuke is keeping a watch on the table. The forks are now gone.

"We have to leave."

"…what?"

"We have to leave," Sasuke grabs Naruto's arm, "we have to go. We have to leave the country, change our names," Sasuke desperately tries to tug Naruto towards the exit, "buy secondhand faces off the black market!"

"What in god's name is _wrong_ Sasuke?" Naruto asks.

The real silverwear is brought out.

"Everything! Everything is wrong! There are," Sasuke's eyes dart around the room, "men. Hitmen. From the moon. I couldn't tell you, I really wanted to, but they'd have killed me sooner! But now they look quite blood thirsty and… a little famished? Anyways, we _have_ to leave or we'll be eaten alive by moon men."

"Jesus Christ, Sasuke –"

"MOON MEN, NARUTO! MOON MEN! DO YOU NOT KNOW THE MOON MEN?" Sasuke exclaims as he looks behind Naruto.

"No, I don't! What the fuck –"

"Hey, guys, is something wrong?"

Sasuke's face can, apparently, get paler than it usually is.

"M-moon men?"

Naruto turns to Temari.

"I'm sorry, he's a little, uh, how do I say this?" Naruto looks at Sasuke who's downright petrified, "He's a crazy bitch, honestly."

"Oh, I know you!"

Sasuke's eyes go wide at the comment, "No you don't. I've never met you in my life. In fact, this is my first day in this country – on this planet, even. Also, I'm deaf, and blind, and I don't even know what you just said because it's impossible because I'm deaf and blind."

Temari turns to Naruto.

"He's always like this?"

"Yes, unfortunately."

"He wasn't like this when I met him."

"I JUST SAID I'VE NEVER MET YOU IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Sasuke exclaims, "I have an evil twin that runs around here! Jacinto, maybe you've met him, swell guy except he's FUCKING EVIL AND DOES LITERALLY EVERYTHING I WOULDN'T DO! Everything I wouldn't do, did you hear that, Naruto? He does everything I wouldn't do."

Temari is physically leaning back from the sheer force of Sasuke's statements.

A guest walks by them. Naruto stares blankly at their plate.

"Yeah, but Jacinto has a mustache. You can't really see it, since he's an albino and it's white and we're both very white. He dies his hair the same color as mine."

"…I see."

"Yeah. He also has buck teeth, but apparently you can cover that up with makeup –"

"That's some mighty fine silverware you've got there." Naruto glares at Sasuke, "and I swear to god, you better not have bought those on Craigslist."

"Yes, that's where I got them! You're, uh, friend sold them to me."

Naruto stares at Sasuke expectantly.

"What do you want, a damn poem filled with all of my woes and my worst fears about selling your silverware on Craigslist when I _told_ you I would if you left and then you summoned a fucking snow storm so _obviously_ Imma sell that shit except I _didn't_ and it was actually _Jacinto,_ my albino, buck toothed, swell guy but technically evil twin that does literally everything I wouldn't do?" Sasuke asks, "Really? Because I think that's mighty unrealistic."

"Wait…" Temari laughs, "this is your silverware?"

"Yes, it is."

"It _was,_ " Sasuke corrects him, "but I sold – I mean, _Jacinto_ sold them on Craigslist, so they now belong to this nice lady, whose name I've never heard in my entire life because I don't actually know what the fuck Craigslist is or what the internet is and actually I live in a tube with a plant."

Naruto quirks a brow at him.

"It's a lovely plant. Her name is Rosemary."

"You have a rosemary plant?" Temari asks.

"Well, actually, it's cilantro, but the name cilantro is literally so stupid, plus why would I name her _cilantro_ if she _is_ cilantro? It's like your mother naming you human. That's fucking weird."

"You know what's fucking weird?" Naruto asks, "Me. Apparently I fuck weird."

"Hey," Sasuke says, "I'm the good kind of weird though. Like the "so fucking weird that if they made a montage of just the footage of the most mundane parts of my life and sold it as a box set they'd make literal billions because I'm that weird", not the "I named my fucking child human" weird."

Naruto covers his face with his hands.

"Jesus shit, Naruto." Temari chuckles.

"I have… no words. I'm in love with this thing."

"And I'm in love with this thing," Sasuke grabs Naruto's sleeve, "he once though I was going to murder him with a hairbrush."

"I didn't know it was a hairbrush. And besides, you thought I was about to initiate you in a cult."

"That was literally the weirdest way to ask for sex, Naruto. At least I didn't try to get it on in the school, after hours or not."

"You called me daddy. We weren't even dating."

"It was a slip of the tongue –"

"How do you slip from Naruto or Uzumaki to daddy?" Naruto asks incredulously.

"I don't know! I just did! I'm not into that shit!"

They both stare at each other for a few moments.

"…wanna go make out in the car?" Sasuke asks.

"Only if we use the unicorn blanket."

"God, you know I hate that fucking blanket…" Sasuke considers the proposition, "those terms are agreeable, I guess, but we only use the blanket if it comes to sex."

"Oh, something will be coming, and there will be sex involved."

"Wonderful, let's go."

They race out of the house, leaving Temari behind.

"…they're made for each other."

* * *

"So that's why you didn't want to go to the party?" Naruto asks.

"What?"

"Why you didn't want to go to the party. Because you sold my silverware to Temari."

"I can't believe you have hard feelings about that."

"I've been using plastic silverware for months, Sasuke, I'm a little annoyed."

"Inconvenienced, yes," Sasuke says, "but it wasn't me that did it."

"Really?" Naruto asks, "Then who did?"

"Jacinto."

Naruto stares at Sasuke blankly, with a slight hint of murderous rage.

"I'll throttle you."

Sasuke grins.

"Choke me, daddy."


	8. The No One Believes You Incident

**A/n:** Hey! Back at it again! I have to change a lot in my book to put ONE SCENE IN and I'm dying inside! So my dying inside has turned into this! Yay!

...I don't remember the others much, but I realized that I think I've been using Sasuke's crazy rants as his coping mechanism for high points of stress/anxiety. Explains how this one plays out a bit.

This one's a little fluffier? than the others. Hope that's okay.

This one isn't as completely over the top with the rants, but I hope Hubert makes up for that. Thank you all for reading! Makes me happy!

* * *

Sasuke flinches at every sly look sent his way. He doesn't appreciate the way people look at him this morning. They look, they watch, they _gossip,_ those stupid sheeple. Sasuke is not one to be easily swayed by public opinion. Nothing, and he means nothing, is wrong with him!

He has no idea why people are acting like he's done something wrong, like he should be _ashamed_ of walking into the campus. He checks his jacket to see if it's inside out, if his tie is crooked, if he has toilet paper stuck to his show – nothing! He has no idea what's going on, which isn't new, but it's unsettling, the number of _stares_ he's getting, the eyes on him as he walks. He's starting to sweat.

* * *

Sasuke's still steadying his paranoid breathing as his students enter the class. They look at him, they snicker, they laugh, they giggle, those _bitches._ Sasuke knows he shouldn't call them that, but it's in his head, so they're little snot-nosed bitches at the moment.

Sasuke clears his throat as the bell rings.

"Good morning, class." Sasuke says evenly.

The class fills with quiet laughter. Sasuke's losing his mind. What did he do? Does he have something in his teeth? He frowns with the realization that he can't check right now, they'd see the paranoia on him and laugh at him some more. Laughing is okay, Sasuke's a nut case, he's accepted this (mostly because Naruto has, the _fool_ ), but laughing at him with no reason? Unacceptable.

"Okay, not sure I want to know – wait, no, I do. What on Earth is so funny?" Sasuke asks, "People have been looking at me all morning!"

"Mr. Uchiha, you're limping."

Sasuke looks at her blankly.

"That's why people are laughing at me?"

"Yes…?"

Sasuke breathes a sigh of relief.

"Good grief, I was worried it was something humiliating."

The students share glances together.

"You _do_ live with Mr. Uzumaki now, right?" A student asks.

"Yes, I do." Sasuke walks to his desk.

"Um, uh, you're limping."

"I _know,"_ Sasuke snaps, "you've pointed this out already."

"Why are you limping?" Another student pipes up.

Sasuke sighs loudly. And then he inhales deeply.

The students prepare themselves.

"Well, you see," Sasuke walks in front of his desk, "I woke up a little late, and I was a little freaked out about being late. Mr. Uzumaki being Mr. Uzumaki always gets up later than I do. Stupid, but apparently, he makes it work. I have no idea how he does, I have to iron my clothes, fix my hair, eat – okay, you get it, I have to do a lot and this man just sleeps until 5 minutes before he has to leave. It's ridiculous!"

The students are now showing curiosity.

"So, I'm rushing to get ready, and as I leave the house, I see a snake, a big one, on our front steps."

"Oh my god!" A student says.

"I know!" Sasuke says, "I was worried the poor baby would get hurt!"

The student shudders. Snakes? No.

"So I picked it up –"

"Is it poisonous?" One student asked.

"Well, I'm not gonna eat it, am I?" Sasuke asks, "Poisonous, no. Venomous? Quite possibly. I got bit so I'd like to think I'm good."

"Oh, so that's why you're limping?"

"No," Sasuke scoffs, "I got bit on the arm, why would I limp because of that?"

"Is your arm okay?"

"Yes, it's fine. So," Sasuke continues, "now that the snake is out of harms way, I try to get to my car, and there's a gecko, like, two steps below me."

"Oh, cute!"

Sasuke looks at her in horror.

"Cute? It's a fucking gecko! I screamed!"

"At the gecko?"

"Yes!"

"Not the snake."

"Why would I scream because of a snake?" Sasuke asks.

"So, you fell down the steps." A student states hopefully.

"No, I scared someone on the street, his name is Macaroni, isn't that weird?" Sasuke thinks a moment, "Or it could've been Mackenzie, I wasn't really paying attention."

Sasuke shakes his head, "Anyways, so he was walking his dog and he lets go on the leash, and this dog goes absolutely nuts, okay? Completely bonkers!"

The students are texting each other at this point, commentating the monologue.

"So, the dog runs up to me, and knocks me over."

" _That's_ why you're limping." The student nods his head.

"No, I'm not going to limp because a dog ran into me," Sasuke scoffs again, "that's absolutely ridiculous! What do you take me for, a glass vase?"

"Anyways," the students groan as he continues, "so the guy apologizes as he comes over, whilst simultaneously calling me an asshole for scaring him. It was the gecko's fault, it scared me! So, he gets his stupid dog, and he offers to open the car door for me."

"And so, I climbed in and I left for work."

"…wait, why are you limping?"

"Oh, I totally forgot about that," Sasuke laughs, "I pulled a muscle getting out of my car."

The students are sitting in shock. Watching their teacher pull his story out off his ass in real time is something they hadn't seen before. Sasuke, again, knew he was a bit of a nut case, but he is also a teacher, so he tries to shield the students from the brunt of it. They have never ever seen him this bad. They look between each other, daring each other.

A lone student sighs.

"That is the longest way I've heard anyone say they got dicked down good last night."

Sasuke's eyes go wide.

" _Excuse me?"_ Sasuke's tea kettle voice is back, in case you missed it.

"Yeah, generally a man limps after some pretty good day sexing."

Sasuke's mouth gapes.

"I did not!"

"You did, it's obvious."

" _I did not!"_ Sasuke's face turns red.

"Oh, you so did."

Sasuke glares a not so very convincing glare. He's trying to get a hold of a classroom that is falling apart. Why? What did he do to deserve this?

"Stop persecuting me for a crime I haven't committed!" Sasuke yells.

"Gay sex isn't a crime!" A student yells back.

" _It's a metaphor!"_ Sasuke retorts.

" _It's a shitty metaphor!"_

" _Maybe, but a metaphor no less!"_

"Just admit you're having fun! Then we can move on!" Another student joins in.

"Awfully bold of you to assume I've _ever,_ in my _life_ , had _fun!"_ Sasuke yells.

"Okay, Mr. I shop at Hot Topic."

"I don't shop at Hot Topic!"

"Sounds like someone who shops at Hot Topic would say."

"No! People who shop at Hot Topic are assholes and let you know they do! _Hot Topic shoppers have no sense of fucking shame!"_

The rest of the class is just laughing their asses off at this point, because holy hell.

"Mr. Uzumaki gives good dick, just say it! Say it!"

" _Never!"_

* * *

Mr. Uzumaki stares at the wall opposite him. His class is completely silent, looking at the door. The teacher stands completely still, blinking, waiting. He looks down at the lesson plan in his hand.

"…you gonna stop him?" A student whispers.

" _I did not get dicked down by Mr. Uzumaki, I never do!"_

Naruto presses his lips in a thin line at Sasuke's claim. He shakes his head.

"It'll wind down."

"How soon?" A student jokes lightly, but still slightly afraid of the small angry man in the other room.

"Trust me, you never stop him in the middle. He'll stop."

The students wait patiently for him to stop. The classes around have also ceased their function. Sasuke's loud.

"Jesus Christ, Uzumaki," Sakura enters his classroom, "what did you do?"

"Nothing," Naruto shakes his head, "I did absolutely nothing."

" _Stop telling me to say it! I'm not going to! I didn't get dicked down!"_

"Uh, yeah, sounds like that's the problem." Sakura chuckles.

"He's limping because he pulled a muscle." Naruto sighs.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"And they think you had sex?" Sakura asks.

"They're high schoolers, what else are they going to think?"

"Good point."

" _No, I'm not going to fuck him! What's wrong with you?"_

"…are you going to stop him?" Sakura asks.

"No. Not a good idea."

Sakura watches Naruto put the lesson plan down and sigh.

"You know him pretty well now, huh?" Sakura jokes.

Naruto rubs his temples, "A little too well."

" _Leave me alone, I'm not fucking daddy!"_

…

…

…silence, at last. Naruto inhales deeply.

"Yeah, this one's headed right toward me." Naruto motions Sakura to move as he stands in front of his doorway.

Sasuke storms out of his room.

"Naruto!" He whines.

"Come here." Naruto hugs him.

Sasuke is dying. He doesn't ever mean to say it, he just does! And now his class is laughing at him! He knew this would happen, that people would laugh at him, because he's got more than a few bolts loose and people don't tend to see the good to him just the crazy and now he'll never be taken seriously, and he may have _known_ this was coming but _damn_ did it hurt like a motherfu-

Naruto kisses his head.

"It's okay, Sasuke, you're fine."

Sasuke melts.

Of course, Naruto is always there to take him as he is. And now he's happy.

"What did you tell them?" Naruto asks.

"About this morning." Sasuke mumbles into Naruto's shirt.

"What about it?"

"The gecko, and the dog, and Macaroni –"

"Macaroni?" Naruto asks.

"Well, it could have been Mackenzie, but Macaroni is cooler."

"Mm-hmm." Naruto nods slightly.

"And the snake."

Naruto pauses.

"Snake?"

"Yes, the snake."

"What snake?"

Sasuke looks up at Naruto.

"The snake. On our front steps."

Naruto raises a brow.

"Was there a snake?"

"Yes!" Sasuke pouts.

"What happened to it?" Naruto asks softly. Sasuke could be a little… delusional, at times. Naruto has to be sure.

"I moved it off the steps." Sasuke looks down.

"Okay. Why aren't you looking at me?"

Sasuke sighs.

"I may have… you know, I like snakes, but they don't always like me, and this guy, I swear, if he was a human, his name would be Hubert and he'd down 7 vodkas in 20 minutes I swear to God like, swole? But a snake. Insane –"

"Sasuke."

"And like, he'd have a posse of other awfully named men that can down an equal amount of vodka –"

"Sasuke."

"And – and – and he'd, like, he'd rock at skee ball, okay? Like, I mean, wait – what bar has skee ball –"

"Sasuke."

" – maybe they're at, like, Main Event – anyways, real asshole, doesn't like the twink type because he's a homophobe. And you know who's the twink type? Me."

"Sasuke."

"And so, maybe I like this snake, but he doesn't like me –"

" _Sasuke."_

Sasuke looks up at Naruto again. He's breathing like he's run a marathon – well, he has, kinda, with the way he's dancing around the subject.

"What happened to the snake?"

Sasuke fiddles with Naruto's tie.

"Isn't Hubert a wonderful name?"

Naruto sighs loudly.

"I swear to fuck, if I get home and there's a snake in the house – "

" _Hubert._ " Sasuke corrects him. "His name is Hubert."

Naruto watches Sasuke expectantly.

"What? He's not going to bother you! You were still in bed when I let him in."

"I was _what_ when you _what?"_ Naruto asks incredulously.

"Nothing." Sasuke smiles innocently. "Besides, he's not venomous."

"That's reassuring – wait, how do you know that?"

"Um…" Sasuke looks off to the side.

"If you don't say Google I am not going to be happy, Sas."

"…Yahoo?" Sasuke offers sheepishly.

"Did it _bite_ you?" Naruto asks.

"Well, it's classic Hubert, though! I mean, it's not bad."

Naruto recoils in shock as Sasuke raises his sleeve.

"Yeah, uh, we're going to uh, get you to a hospital, and very likely shoot Hubert a couple times for good measure."

Sasuke gasps.

"Not Hubert!"

"Sasuke, now."

Sasuke pouts.

"Let me say goodbye."

"He tried to already. No more goodbyes, dear."

Sasuke frowns as he looks at his arm. Sakura looks at it in horror.

"He's just a small baby, though." Sasuke mumbles sadly.

"How small?" Sakura asks.

"Like, four-footer or something."

Naruto exits his class with his stuff. He lightly grasps Sasuke by his unhurt arm.

"Sasuke."

Sasuke pouts.

"Sorry."

The students realize, as they watch the two teachers walk away, that they all have a newfound respect for Mr. Uzumaki. For him to find something in _that?_ Unbelievable.

Sasuke looks at Naruto like he's the world. The students try not to think about what that would be like… Jesus Christ, that man is insane.

* * *

Naruto sighs. He grabs Sasuke a little closer to him on the couch. Hubert has been taken care of. Sasuke's arm still looks a little – a lot – fucked, but it's okay.

Sasuke may be crazy, but Naruto's also crazy – about him.

…also, he can _swear_ he hears snakes everywhere. That might constitute crazy, too.


	9. Crestfallen, Hope Driven, Very Smitten

**A/n:** Someone said they wanted a how did they meet story. So here it is! Honestly, I write these and forget what they say like, 2 seconds later, so that's wonderful. I'm so good at this! Anyways, uh... continuity may not be a thing. I skimmed the other stories, hopefully this plays out well. It's 2am and I'm tired leave me alone.

Thank you for reading my mess! :D

* * *

His heart was pounding in his ears as he watched him walk by. _Him_. Every time he'd say _his_ name he could taste it on his tongue. It was wonderful, it was bliss –

 _He_ didn't know that _he_ exists!

Naruto scooted slightly more behind the cover of the column he was currently hiding behind. He knew he had it bad, an awful crush, on the most gorgeous, smart, calm, collected boy he had ever seen.

Sasuke Uchiha.

His heart sped up at the name. _Sasuke._ He used it sparsely, as if it were a curse he hailed like a prayer.

Sasuke was the new student of his high school. And, knowing high school, the student that shows up mid semester _always_ gets the attention, add that Sasuke was probably the most amazing human to have ever walked the earth, Naruto had some competition when it came to getting the brunet beauty to notice him.

…which he never seemed able to do.

For the next two weeks after the mysterious boy's sudden arrival, Naruto had tried everything. Roses? No. Sweets? Doesn't like sweets. Notes? Always intercepted. Naruto had yet to look the boy in the eyes, much less struggle to speak to him.

He wanted to ask him to the dance that was coming up. Naruto knew, just knew, that if he got his shit together, he could draw the other boy in.

…2 weeks after he had arrived, he left. Just like that.

Naruto was crestfallen. He'd never have his chance with Sasuke, nor find anyone like him ever again.

* * *

"Why did he leave?" Naruto asked.

"Ah, who knows," Kiba shrugged, "rumors. Don't pity yourself too hard, man."

"I'll pity myself as I please." Naruto sighed.

"Rumor say he threatened a teacher with a plastic spork from the cafeteria."

"He'd leave because of _that?_ " Naruto asked incredulously. "Who _hasn't_ done that?"

"Who's sent someone to the hospital for it before?" Kiba asked.

Naruto nearly choked.

"Ex-squeeze-me?"

"Yeah, apparently he's batshit crazy. You're lucky to have gotten away."

Naruto frowned.

"I'm glad I never met him."

"Yeah, you're gone for the month he's here. Great, just great." Naruto shook his head.

"Why do you care if I've met him?"

"So you could _see!_ " Naruto said, "So you could see what I'm talking about! I'd take him even if he were crazy! I know he's not, rumors are bullshit, but I would if I were given the chance!"

"Be careful what you wish for, mate."

* * *

Naruto adjusted his tie as he glanced up at the school's name. Finally, his own classroom, his own class, his own rules. He'd always wanted to be the coolest calculus teacher to have ever existed, and by goly, if he wasn't going to try.

He calmed himself as he entered the building. Calm, cool, and collected. That's how he was going to come off – (fun!) calm, cool, and collect –

Holy. Shit.

He froze in shock. He could already feel himself turn to almost jelly.

 _He_ worked here? Really? The one that got away? What were the odds?

"You alright, sunshine?"

Naruto jumped at the voice next to him.

"Hi, Sakura Haruno. You must be Naruto." She smiled.

"Y-yeah – Sasuke?"

Sakura blinked a couple times.

"I'm Sakura."

"I mean, Sasuke, he works here?"

"Uh… yeah. Why."

"Just uh…" Naruto cast a glance to Sasuke, "…nothing, no reason."

"Don't."

Naruto turned back to Sakura.

"Huh?"

"Not a road you want to go down on, friend." Sakura pat his shoulder. "He's pretty to look at. Not to hold, or to have, or to even listen to, honestly."

Naruto watched Sakura walk off. What? Sasuke? He wasn't actually –

"Hey."

Naruto sighed. He wasn't up for the whole greeting thing when he was internally monologuing –

"Oh, hey, Sasuke."

Sasuke raised a brow.

"My reputation precedes me, I see."

"Huh?"

"My reputation." Sasuke's eyes bore into him. "People like to talk about me."

"Yeah, I uh – high school."

Sasuke glanced around the front lobby.

"Yup, this would be a high school."

"I mean, high school. You went to my high school."

Sasuke frowned. He bit the inside of his cheek as he thought back.

"…which one?"

Naruto looked at Sasuke warily.

"Which… one?" Naruto repeated.

"Yeah, which one. You're going to have to be a bit more specific."

"You move around a lot?"

"You could say that."

"Uh… Konoha high?"

"Ooooooooh," Sasuke chuckled, "that one."

"Yeah."

"You remember me? I was there, like, what, a week?"

"More or less."

"Yeah. I uh, huh, I um… I swear I'm not as bad as I was." Sasuke smiled.

"Bad as…?"

"The spork? I thought everyone knew that."

Naruto stared at Sasuke. So, okay, he was a little on the crazy side. If Naruto wasn't certain Sasuke would be the mother of his physically impossible children… he had no idea where he was going with that train of thought, but that face alone was worth whatever trouble he'd bring.

"You talking to yourself?" Sasuke asked.

"Am I speaking out loud?" Naruto panicked.

"Oh, no," Sasuke waved his hand dismissively, "I do that too. Just got that look on your face is all."

"Uh huh…"

"Welp, class soon. Have fun, huh?" Sasuke turned to walk to his class.

Naruto watched him – his back, or his hair, maybe his shoes, absolutely _not_ his ass – as he left.

* * *

Sasuke proved to be kind of crazy, that was for sure. The longer Naruto spent with Sasuke (and even not with him, if he were honest) Sasuke seemed to grow more and more attached. Something about Naruto seemed to attract Sasuke, like a magnet.

"Magnets! North and South. Opposites. Naruto and Sasuke. Opposites. Also, not so opposite but maybe possibly not all the way opposites? But still like a magnet."

Naruto shook his head and smiled. Sasuke was definitely quirky. He had become very fond of the English teacher, as had the English teacher of him (but to be honest it was a slightly – only slightly – unhealthy attachment on Sasuke's part).

He had grown accustomed to Sasuke's wild rants he'd go on (not knowing how much worse they'd grow later on) and he'd even learned to appreciate and enjoy them.

* * *

Sasuke rushed into his classroom one day. Naruto turned to him as he entered.

"Oh my god, Uzumaki, you're not going to believe this, but the students, god students, am I right?" Sasuke rolled his eyes, "The way they uh… study… and uh –" Sasuke shook his head, "anyways, there's this totally bizarre rumor going around? Have you heard it? No? Yeah, I didn't think so. Well, as all rumors go, it's _completely_ untrue and if you hear it, well, probably best to disregard it, huh? Don't want to listen to no rumors now, do we?"

Naruto attempted to count the amounts of breaths Sasuke took, but he seemed to take none.

"He called you daddy during class." A student said as they walked in.

Sasuke started this… squeal? Squeak? Naruto wasn't sure what it was, but apparently he did it out of embarrassment, if the reddening of his face meant anything.

"D-daddy?" Naruto tried to stifle a laugh, "I wasn't aware I had a son."

Sasuke gives off a choked sob.

"Shut up!" He whined.

"Don't you think you should save it for the bedroom, baby girl?"

"NARUTO!"

"That's daddy to you."

Sasuke stormed out of his classroom. Naruto laughed wholeheartedly.

Sasuke was definitely going to be Naruto's bitch, he'd make sure of it.


	10. The Worst Halloween of Sasuke's Life

**A/n:** No angst? In a story of mine? Unheard of in multi chapters or series. You're all now plagued by my angst.

I'm trying to follow my continuity. Not gonna lie, I skimmed the others to try to fit this in. Someone wanted Sasuke's back story, here it is, in all it's angsty glory.

This explains Suigetsu, the ranting, the Halloween, his obsession with the name / weird spellings of Rosemary, and the reason he's in love with / obsessed with Naruto.

I hope that you manage to like this piece of trash. I couldn't sleep until I typed it. It's 5am now. Fun.

* * *

Breathe, Sasuke, breathe.

Sasuke looked on with well concealed acute horror. Yup, they were most definitely fucked up. Plastic sporks, man.

"What in the hell happened here?" The principal asked loudly.

"I uh…" Sasuke panicked.

"What happened?" Another teacher approached Sasuke.

"Um…" Sasuke looked down at the spork in his hand. "There was a… an escaped convict. And he uh… dug a tunnel under the cafeteria, but he surprisingly can reverse time in a single spot! And he uh, covered the hole, and the spork –"

"What happened."

"Well, he used this spork to –"

"What happened." The teacher said more aggressively.

"Uh, just, the spork –"

"Uchiha."

Sasuke began to hyperventilate.

"I just, the spork –"

They were calling an ambulance. The principal looked at Sasuke angrily.

"We will be discussing this."

"Please, don't call Itachi." Sasuke begged.

"You leave me no choice."

Sasuke looked down at the spork.

"He used the spork to dig out, and he's framing me." He mumbled. He wasn't going to cry, except he already was.

* * *

"He leaves me no choice, Mr. Uchiha."

Itachi sighed. He looked beside him at Sasuke.

"Please, just another chance." Itachi said.

"No. He's had enough. As far as I know, he should be in an institution."

Itachi looked at his brother, huddled in his chair.

"I just think he needs to find the right environment. This isn't it."

* * *

Sasuke felt absolutely pitiful. He cried silently as Itachi let him into the car.

"I'm sorry."

Itachi sighed softly.

"I didn't mean to."

"I know, Sasuke."

Sasuke fiddled with his hands.

"What happened, Sasuke?"

"Um… well, there were these guys, okay? And they uh, jumped through the window! The fricking window! And that's some thick stuff, you know? And well, uh… yeah, they told me it was a magic spork, and they said I could be, like, a hero or something. They'd have to change my name to Jacinto, though. And uh… the spork turned, you know? And it stabbed the guy, not me, definitely not me, never in my life would I stab someone."

Itachi waited until Sasuke quieted down.

"What happened."

Sasuke looked down.

"I stabbed him."

Itachi nodded.

"Yeah, he was being really mean to this girl."

"We're running out of schools, Sasuke."

"I know, I didn't mean to get expelled."

"You never do."

Sasuke frowned.

"I'm sorry I'm here."

"Don't be, Sasuke," Itachi patted his shoulder gently, "I'm glad you are."

Sasuke wasn't glad he was.

* * *

"Unfortunately, given the circumstances and his previous incident, we've made the decision that Konoha High can't serve someone of… Sasuke's situation."

Itachi sighed.

"Alright, thank you."

Itachi looked over at Sasuke as they exited the school.

"What happened?" Itachi asked.

"Well, there was this talking horse, alright? And it was, uh, selling drugs? I think, I only heard rumors. I never saw the horse myself, but I'll take their word for it. Anyways, well this horse knew dark magic, and it possessed the teacher. He started speaking in tongues, and I was only trying to fend him off, you know? And I had a spork! So I told him to back off!"

"What happened?"

Sasuke frowned.

"I threatened him with a spork. I didn't stab him this time, I promise!"

"Sasuke."

"I know, I know, we're running out of schools. I know. I've heard it before." Sasuke mumbled the last part as he entered the car.

* * *

"Itachi, I miss Rosemarie."

Itachi turned to his brother. They were in the kitchen, Itachi was cooking dinner.

"She's in a better place now, Sasuke."

"No place can be better than the fish tank! It's so big and roomy and I'm a great fishie mama!" Sasuke complained.

"Sasuke – "

"The Rosemary's are going to miss their cousin."

Itachi looked at the food he was cooking. He honestly didn't know if Sasuke could tell all of his fish apart, or if that's why he named them all Rosemary, the name of their old cat.

"They'll make more, Sasuke."

"But – but you _can't_ replace Rosemarie!" Sasuke whined. "You can't replace something that's dead!"

"I'm well aware of that, Sasuke."

Sasuke choked up.

"I'm sorry that I'm so… you know. I just that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to take care of me."

"You're fine, Sasuke."

"No one will ever like me. I'm too weird."

"You just have to find someone compatible."

Sasuke groaned.

"No one is."

"You'll find someone. Dinner's done."

Sasuke frowned.

"Rosemarie better be in a better place. I'd say I'd sue you for all you're worth if she didn't, but you're not worth a stale potato chip, and I think I'd lose more in legal bills than what I'd get out of it, so I will refrain from doing so. You're welcome."

Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Dinner, Sasuke."

"Fine."

* * *

"You should eat it."

"No!" Sasuke looked at Suigetsu in disgust.

"Come on, Sasuke, it'll be good."

Sasuke looked at the lunch the school had provided.

"The food looks like it's sick."

"Try it."

Sasuke growled softly. Fucking Suigetsu and his weird suggestions. He ended up sick for two days after consuming the "food".

* * *

They were currently in a circle playing "never have I ever". Sasuke had somehow been invited to the Halloween party, the one everyone was talking about. Though he had shown disinterest, he was excited. No one invited him anywhere. Well, Suigetsu had invited him, but at least he had someone there.

Sasuke came as a human trashcan. He had always wondered if people could pull that off. He was fond of the idea, feeling like trash whilst simultaneously cleaning the world of other trash. Destroying himself to help others. Not glamorous, but human trashcans are essential to saving the… okay, so they're not actually a thing, but Sasuke could dream, right?

"Never have I ever fucked up so bad that attempting to drink alcohol for the first time ended up with a toaster thrown out of the window."

Sasuke glared at Suigetsu.

"Sasuke, haven't you done that?" Suigetsu said with mock innocence.

"I will end you, Suigetsu. Besides, you _made_ me do that." Sasuke grumbled.

Suigetsu wasn't the greatest friend, but he was something. Sasuke had always tried to grasp onto the somethings in his life.

When he entered the kitchen to get a breather, he didn't mean to break a mug. He stared at it in horror. Here it came, the anger, the raised voice, the knowledge that he was in trouble.

"What was that?" The host came in after him. "What happened?"

"Well, uh, you see, they installed this update on dishes –"

"Did you break that?"

"No, see, they made them so they –"

"Shut the fuck up. Did you break it?"

Sasuke couldn't breathe. They wouldn't let him fucking finish.

"I just, you gotta hear me out, man –"

"Get out."

Gladly. Sasuke left quickly. He wasn't fond of crying in front of people anyways. If they had let him finish, he could've explained himself. He would've, he just had to… explain, before he explained.

"Why do you do that?" Suigetsu followed him out.

"What?" Sasuke bit out. "Do what."

"The whole ranting thing?"

"Mom. She told me stories to calm me down, and she's not here to tell me stories, is she? So I have to."

Suigetsu gave him a look.

"Have you ever tried, I don't know, not doing it?"

Sasuke looked at him incredulously.

"I can't!"

And here Sasuke was, the first human trashcan (that he'd heard of), crying, like the piece of trash he felt like.

"I think you should try harder."

* * *

Sasuke did try harder… to distance himself. From everyone.

He took a fast track to graduate early. He didn't bother walking. He started college – online. Obviously, the world wasn't prepared to deal with him.

He drowned himself in his studies, earning multiple degrees. He studied anything and everything, just to keep his mind off the world. His brother was by his side.

Until he wasn't.

Itachi, that stubborn bastard. Pneumonia was a bitch, especially if you didn't want to go to the doctor. Sasuke should've known something was off when he hadn't seen his sibling in a while, but he wasn't expecting to lose him.

Sasuke was moved to get a degree in education. He needed something, anything, anyone to fill the void he now held. He had no one. He wanted to be someone that people could look up to, that could maybe help weird kids like himself. He just prayed that they could handle him.

* * *

Sasuke was a… handful, to say the least. The teachers were a little wary of associating themselves with him besides work related contact. He was a little robotic in his ways. He was kind of rude, too.

Sasuke tried desperately to not be thrown out. He shoved each and every emotion down. He couldn't let people know how crazy he was, he couldn't lose this.

* * *

When Naruto had entered the school, something… shifted, for Sasuke. Suddenly someone would talk to him, seemed to tolerate him, _like_ him, if Sasuke was being nice to himself in his thinking. Nice. Something he hadn't had in a long time.

It was the first rant he did in front of the blond. That rant he couldn't help. He could even hear himself over the fear of pushing the blond away, but he couldn't find it in himself to stop. Naruto watched him calmly.

"Sasuke." He said softly throughout. Sasuke couldn't stop.

Naruto lightly grasped Sasuke's arms.

"Breathe, Sasuke. You're okay."

It was then, that moment, looking at Naruto's caring eyes even as his ranting trailed off, that did Sasuke in. He finally, finally found someone compatible. Just like Itachi said he would.

Hopefully Rosemarie was in a better place, too, along with the rest of the Rosemary's, or Sasuke would perform a seance to sue him from beyond the grave.


	11. The Promposal Incident

**A/n:** Before you read this, I'd like to say thank you for reading! Don't get mad, the end note will hopefully make people not mad about things. With that said:

This is the last installment of the series! Hooray, you survived! :)

End note makes for happy, but please read this garbage! I would very much appreciate it.

* * *

" _No, no, no, no, no, no, no"_ A string of high pitched no's is heard, the source making his way through the hallway.

A woman stares blankly at the man in front of her, expecting an explanation. The man smiles.

"It's okay, Sasuke."

Sasuke pounces Naruto, climbing him like a tree. He stops halfway, wrapping his arms around Naruto's head as he glares at the woman.

"Mine." Sasuke hisses.

The woman's eyes dart between the two men.

"Yeah, he does that." Naruto's still smiling.

"Uh…" She continues to stare in confusion.

"It's work related, Sas."

Sasuke growls.

"Sasuke." Naruto sings out.

"You want me to get him down…?" She asks hesitantly.

"Keep your hands off me, and him." Sasuke moves to look Naruto in the face. "You hear what she said?" Sasuke glares at her again. "She's going to assault me. We should throw her in jail. We should make sure she never sees the light of day again. She'll go to a jail without windows."

"Pretty sure all jails have no windows, Sas."

"No, no, some do. That's where they throw the people that don't like the world. Or that are looking for, like, UFO's or something – just for torture. It's a torture technique, haven't you heard? Anyways, we should throw her in one of them that _doesn't_ have windows – do you hate nature? Because maybe we should throw you in one with windows."

"Uh… no, I don't."

Sasuke laughs. "You fool! The ones without windows are actually rat infested! And they have to decide who's king every third Wednesday of the month! And you'd never make it. You're doomed to be a pleb for the rest of your stupid life."

"Are you breathing?" She asks.

"He generally doesn't." Naruto answers.

"You're not very bright, are you? The rats will not make any exceptions for you. You'll die within a day, possibly two seconds, they can _smell_ stupid. Trust me, I've been to jail. I was king for _two terms._ No one else has been king that long! You want to question me? You _dare_ question me?" Sasuke raised his voice.

"Is he okay?" She points at him.

"Never, at any point, is he okay," Naruto pats Sasuke's thigh, which is still hugging him tight because apparently Naruto's a good perch, "he's mine, though. I take him as he is."

Sasuke gasps.

"Really?" He says excitedly.

"Yes, really."

Sasuke hops off him.

"Even though you can't return me with the damage discount?" He tilts his head a bit.

"Sasuke, you never had a damage discount. I had to pay a premium, you know that."

Sasuke lights up.

"I've never had anyone pay a premium." He tears up.

"I'll gladly pay another one for you." Naruto says.

"Will you give me money, then? I would very much like to buy a sugar cane plant."

Naruto has to pause to think.

"Um, why do we need a sugar cane?"

"We'd be rich, live off our own resources." Sasuke clasps handfuls of Naruto's shirt.

"Not sure we can live off of sugar, Sas."

"We'll be hailed as kings." Sasuke whispered.

Naruto pats Sasuke's head.

"Alright, Sasuke, we'll talk about it."

Sasuke beams.

"Thank you for your consideration, my good sir."

He throws a healthy glare at the forgotten woman.

"So, uh… about the curriculum revisions…?" She starts hopefully.

Sasuke sighs. Story checks out. Work, ugh.

"I'll be somewhere on this plane of existence when you're done here. But only for a moment, then I leave for the void to scream for half hour."

"Of course, void time, how could I forget?" Naruto kisses his nose. "I'll be with you faster than you can blink when I'm done."

"That's physically impossible, but I'll hold you to it regardless." Sasuke swivels on his heels to leave.

Sasuke continues toward his class. Stupid work, making his Naruto talk to other people. He glances up at the two students hugging in the hallway. The banner in the male student's hand suggested –

"Promposal."

Sasuke says the word like a curse. Promposals are the most stupidest thing Sasuke's ever heard of, he has no idea why people do that! What's the point? Chick's gonna expect something better than that later on… if they make it to later on, that is.

"What's up?" Naruto slides beside him.

"Promposals."

Naruto looks at Sasuke.

"Don't like them?"

"No."

"Why?"

"A promposal once killed my uncle."

Naruto waits patiently for the rest of the story.

"That's it?" He asks.

"That's all it needs."

Naruto sighs.

"I take it you don't want a promposal?"

"No, of course not. I don't want a very large and very dramatic one that people want to talk about for the rest of the year."

Naruto takes this as Sasuke wanted a very large and very dramatic one that people want to talk about for the rest of the year.

"That's too bad. I might have done something."

Sasuke whips his head toward Naruto.

"Why not?" He asks.

"Oh, do you _want_ a promposal?" Naruto asks innocently.

"No." Sasuke crosses his arm, but the side glance he casts Naruto proves otherwise.

"I'll keep that in mind." Naruto smiles.

"Okay."

* * *

"Hey, Sakura, I'm trying to come up with a promposal for Sasuke."

"Why?" Sakura asks, "Ask him out like an adult. I mean, you _are_ dating, right?"

"Yes, we are," Naruto explains, "but Sasuke wants one, and I don't want to upset him."

"No one wants to. He's on another level, I'm surprised you fuck that thing."

"He's not a thing," Naruto defends, "he's my thing."

"Yeah, I got that."

Naruto sighs dejectedly.

"I have no ideas as to what to do." Naruto frowns.

"Just do something, I'm sure he'll appreciate it."

"Sakura, he's the kind of person that won't pretend to like something. In fact, he'll say, to your face, how much he _doesn't_ like something."

"Sucks to suck, Naruto, can't help you."

Naruto narrows his eyes.

"Traitor."

"Besides, the larger you make this, the larger he'll want your proposal."

"I'm sure the shock of the proposal will negate any lack of pizzazz my proposal will have."

"You said he says if he doesn't like something."

"Different situation, Sakura. I'm asking him to prom, not asking him to marry me."

Sakura shook her head.

"You got me."

* * *

Naruto always wants desperately to please his tiny maniac. The issue always came in the form of _what the fuck do I do I've never known what I'm doing at any point of my life AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_ – you get the point. Naruto's basically always screaming internally.

He frowns. What were kids these days even _doing?_ He had to do something completely different. He wanted to see Sasuke genuinely happy and maybe slightly tiny bit impressed, but that might not happen. Sasuke's smile usually does the trick.

Naruto has no idea!

* * *

As prom draws closer, Naruto begins to panic. He claws on desperately to any semblance of an idea that passes through his head of his. He tries to think, think, _think Naruto Uzumaki you son of a_ wonderful woman, he's heard great things, actually, _you're better than this!_

Naruto hopes he can come up with something, anything, something so amazingly wonderful…

Maybe he's thinking about this all wrong! Maybe not big, but –

* * *

Naruto has 1 (one) chance to get this right.

He's situated in the courtyard. He had hinted throughout the day for people to be there during his and Sasuke's lunch. He hopes Sasuke shows up, because his efforts are wasted if he doesn't.

Luckily, Sasuke does. Which is good, because Naruto has a guitar and is about to make a fool of himself in the name of love, which is as God intended.

See, he had decided to go not big, but cheesy. He knew his love would appreciate a good cheesy promposal. That's why he's playing guitar, in the middle of the courtyard, singing, to Sasuke, hoping it's okay.

Sasuke's tearing up, though. Naruto's so nice and kind and Sasuke's blessed to even be in his presence much less have Naruto's entire being focused on him at moments such as this, where he works so hard to show his appreciation of Sasuke's godlike awesomeness. Sasuke is fucking perfect, and Naruto acknowledges this, and even now sings praises. He's perfect, absolutely perfect.

Naruto places his guitar down when he's done. He approaches Sasuke.

See, this is where Sasuke prepares himself to pretend to not want to go to prom before laughing and saying of course he will, he didn't need to make a fool of himself.

What he wasn't expecting was this.

"Will you marry me?"

And suddenly it's not funny. It's serious. It's…

"Me?" Sasuke asks quietly.

"Um, yeah. You. You!" Naruto gestures to the box.

"Why."

Naruto looks at Sasuke questioningly.

"What do you mean, why? Sasuke, you're the best thing to happen to the world, and most definitely me."

"But I'm weird."

"And cute. Very cute."

"And I can be mean."

"But I love you."

Sasuke stares at the ring in disbelief. He doesn't… he doesn't deserve this! Sure, he loves Naruto, but there's no possible way.

"I'll… I'll burn the marriage license. You'll have a bitch of a time trying to return me after that."

"Go ahead," Naruto replies, "I have no intention of returning you."

"I uh… uh…"

This is so much! So much for Sasuke. He had no idea. He wasn't expecting…

"You have to let me be Uzumaki, though."

Naruto smiles brightly.

"You'll be my Uzumaki."

Sasuke chokes up. Naruto's. Naruto's Uzumaki. He's never wanted anything more, why is he still standing here, staring at Naruto as if he just asked Sasuke to sell their first born physically impossible – improbable, Sasuke can sure dream - baby for crack money.

"Y… yes?"

Naruto starts to laugh.

"You sound unsure there, bud."

Sasuke nods.

"Yes. I'll marry you."

Naruto pulls Sasuke into a warm embrace. A loving one. One where Sasuke swears he belongs. Finally belongs.

Everyone around is clapping. Sasuke closes his eyes as he leans in to Naruto. This is everything he's ever wanted.

Naruto slips the ring on his finger – pretty! Oh his god, it's pretty! – and kisses it gently.

"You'll be my queen bitch, Sasuke."

Sasuke's smile wobbles with emotion.

"I'll have it no other way, daddy."

* * *

"What is this."

Sasuke pops his head into the kitchen.

"Oh, that? He's Rohsemayrie."

"Why did you buy it."

"We'll be rich!" Sasuke grabs the sugar cane. He pets the pot lovingly. "The world will be our oyster."

Naruto chuckles.

"Alright, fine. What else did you buy, though?" Naruto looks at him.

"Nothing."

Naruto panics at the lack of rant.

"Nothing." Naruto asks.

"Nothing."

"What new that's in the house?"

Sasuke inhales deeply. Oh boy.

"You see, there was this merchant, and he was selling these second – or third, I couldn't tell – hands,"

Sasuke continues ranting. Naruto watches him affectionately. Best wife he could have ever had.

…except the whole thing where he brings random unidentified snakes in the house, but he was trainable.

* * *

 **A/n:** THEY'LL BE BACK! IN THIS AU! Yes, THIS series is over, but there'll be one of them after they're married, since they don't have many milestones to reach now, huh?

Anyways, that series has no name as of yet, since I haven't written any of it! But it'll actually help me! I've felt a little stuck with how this progressed, so I feel I'll be a bit freer to write after I end this one.

Thank you all for reading this! Look out for the next series, whenever that manages to pop up.


End file.
